How to: Beat the Monday Woes

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Best friends! I’m so sorry.

Its Monday.

Today is the day that Dad leaves for work again and I must stay in the crate. I’ve gotten better at passing the time as there is a fine line to walk between good boys being patient and not being a good boy by being just plain bored. It is really all about the mental game! Here’s how I beat the Monday woes:

  1. Take naps. The longer you can sleep, the closer it will be to Dad being home once you wake up. Its also means more energy conserved to use to play together (a favorite thing for both of us).
  2. Watch the cartoons. Good boys know their letters and numbers, it makes tricks easier when Dad tries to show you new skills.
  3. Daydream about activities to do with Dad.
  4. Eat snacks. But not too many because good boys don’t want to be fat. Ration them during the day to make them last longer.
  5. Lay on your back and play with your paws. Upside down is a whole new world! And  for as small as I am, my feet are oh so heavy in the air, making them wonderful targets to try and chew.
  6. DO NOT go potty in the crate. As we have established before, good boys potty outside. There is no room for error here.
  7. Daydream about activities to do with Dad.
  8. Check for discrepancies in the security systems of the metal box. While Dad secures it before he leaves, there could always be an open space to escape. Good boys don’t escape and cause messes, but good boys could escape to do security patrols of the house (Another fine line).
  9. Groom yourself. Good boys keep themselves dapper and handsome. Its also always good to make a good impression on Dad when he comes home for the day.
  10. Daydream about activities to do with Dad!
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Schmidt Happens: My Day Diary

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Still dark AM – Begin to stir, anticipation is building for the great potential of the day.

6:00 AM – Dad’s alarm goes off. Timing is crucial in our morning routine. Provide morning sugars precisely in the middle of his face so that he knows I am still alive and well. **Good boys especially give sugars in the eyes, ears, nose, and mouth (It is essential so Dad will have a good day). My favorite time!

6:15 AM – Dad arises under my careful supervision and pats me on my head. I am on standby for supplemental sugars. My favorite time!

6:20 AM – Dad takes me outside for my morning potty. My favorite time!

6:25 AM – Its dad’s turn for a morning potty. I sit on his feet to keep him warm, and am on standby in case he needs me. My favorite time!

6:30 AM – Dad gives me breakfast! My favorite thing! I am then on standby while Dad gets ready for the day. Also my favorite time!

6:55 AM – Dad rubs and pets me. My favorite time!

7:00 AM – I go in the metal box, Dad turns on cartoons so I can learn my letters and numbers, and Dad leaves. Not my favorite time.

7:15 AM – As I begin to feel sleepy from my tummy full of food, I smell the snacks that Dad dropped into my box for me before he left. I scarf one up and save the other two for later. My favorite time!

Sometime later PM – I hear the door open and its DAD! Dad is home! Dad lets me out and we take turns going potty and I get rubbed and petted and we romp. My favorite time!

Too short of a time later PM – Dad puts me back in the box and leaves again. I find one of my stored snacks to console my aching heart. Not my favorite time.

5:00 PM – Dad is HOME for good! My favorite time!

5:05 PM – Dad takes me outside to potty and stretch my legs. My favorite time!

5:15 PM – Dad makes a snack and I wait on standby outside the perimeter of the kitchen like a good boy. My favorite time!

5:30 PM – Dad lays down on the couch to rest and pats my head. I provide regenerative sugars to face, hands, and toes. I chew on a non-noise making toy so as not to be disruptive and wait patiently for him to arise. My favorite time!

6:00 PM – Dad takes me outside to PLAY! I fetch and sit and jump and romp and roll. My FAVORITE time!

6:30 PM – We go inside and Dad gives me dinner. My favorite time!

Also at 6:30 – Dad prepares his own dinner. I finish my kibble and wait on standby outside the perimeter of the kitchen like a good boy, in case he needs me. My favorite time!

7:00 PM – Dad eats dinner. I sit on his feet to keep them warm and continue regenerative sugars, on standby in case he needs me. **Good boys do not beg for their people to share their food with them. Good boys know about boundaries. My favorite time!

7:30 PM – Dad takes me back outside to WALK. My favorite time!

8:30 PM – Dad takes a rain bath in the big puddle in the bathroom. I provide supplemental sugars to wherever I can reach to speed the cleaning process and ensure quality control, while keeping a watchful eye in case he needs me. My favorite time!

9:00 PM – Dad gets in bed and watches television. **Good boys are not allowed on the hooman bed unless invited. I wait in my own bed on standby in case he needs me. My favorite time!

9:30 PM – Dad takes me outside for one last potty of the day. My favorite time!

10:00 PM – It is bedtime for everyone. I can’t wait to see Dad in the morning!

 

 

 

How to: Fetch like a good boy

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Best friends!

The ground is getting cooler, and we have been going to the dog park less and less, BUT there is still time to add some good boy skills to your book. Specifically, how to bring toys back to your people when they throw them!

My people call it “fetch.” At first, this was a strange concept to me because upon request I would sit like a good boy, which is typically responded to with great praise. Instead, I would sit like a good boy and they would throw a ball far far away and point at it with great exclaim. They threw it, and they were doing a great job showing me what direction it went! I even ran all the way to the ball to show them where it went, but they didn’t move. I finally brought the ball back to them and dropped it at their feet, and they threw it away again! What a strange game. Each time I brought it back, I was told how much of a good boy I was. What a strange concept? However, the praises of “good boy” status much outweigh the strangeness of their aversion to the ball.

THEN, the ball must have been dirty because they started throwing it into the water. Thankfully it floated! Then it really would have been lost! I was a good boy good sport and brought that one back too, and received much praise. I should have seen it coming, they threw the ball back in the water! I “fetched” again and again. We did this for a long time, with me swimming a little further each time. By the end, it was a very clean ball!

 

If you think you might want to be a good boy good fetcher, here are some quick tips:

Upon retrieval of ball to be fetched, it is already dead. Additional thrashing and killing is not necessary. Drop the ball and sit by your people like a good boy.

Good boys do not make their people chase them for the fetched toys. As aforementioned, it is already dead…sitting and dropping said toy will suffice.

Good boys do not run to the thrown toy and run back without it. Your people will giggle, but the “good boy” praise will not be as great. You will see the dissatisfaction in their eyes and it will pain your heart, only to be remedied with the successful fetching of the ball.

Good boys do not bark at their people while waiting for them throw the ball again. If you need this tip, you are probably enjoying this new game. Good boys are patient. Good boys let the anticipation build.

Good boys swim with great enthusiasm and focus. Good boys keep their eyes on the prize and paddle with pride back to their people with their fetched prize.

And finally….If you must potty mid-fetch, be sure to keep the toy with you. Otherwise your people will take it from you and throw it while you’re potty-ing, which is distracting to both activities.

Schmidt Happens: House of Horrors

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Oh best friends…

Look how handsome I am!!

I went to a new place and they made me such a handsome boy in addition to being a good boy, but I must be honest I don’t think they’re going to be my best friends.

But look how handsome I am!!!

My people dropped me off at a new place that smells like lots of butts. First, I thought it was a new vet. That would mean it had a chance at great potential. But then, it wasn’t a vet…it was a house of horrors.

Before my procedure that resulted in the cone of shame, the vet petted me all over my tummy and private parts. But this person, the not-vet petted me all over my face and feet and sides, so I did not panic too much yet. At that point, there was still some potential. In retrospect,  there was minimal potential.

First, my people left. Again with the “leaving without looking back.” I have since forgiven them because they are my best friends.

Also first, the not-vet took me to the back of the office and put me in a metal box. Again with the metal box. They are bad boxes. From my solitary confinement I could watch other doggies be escorted around the room. Some were fluffy, some were naked. I saw one walk away fluffy and come back naked! Oh no! Some had to wear a necklace around their muzzle because they are not good boys. I hoped the not-vet would know that I am a good boy!

The not-vet put me in a big metal tub, much like the big puddle in the bathroom at home, but not the same. This was big and tall. She gave me a bath all over and I smelled so good. She kept telling me that I am a good boy, and I believed her because I know how to act like a good boy by now. She was washed me ALL over. All my nooks and crannies felt so clean. But the whole time, I hoped that my people hadn’t sent me here to be bathed because I was not a good boy in the bath puddle at home.

I have had baths before, so I know how to be a good boy for them. After the bath, we went to a new machine. This machine is most definitely never going to be my best friend. The not-vet tied my leash to a post like I was a pig going to slaughter. Not a good sign. The not-vet flipped a switch and the most loud noises I had ever heard descended around me. Wind was blowing in every direction and it was so scary! It was blowing up my nose, in my ears, under my legs, and up. my. butt. The horror. I felt like I was going to fly away from all the air being sent up my rear! It was worse than the cone of shame and it just would not stop. I fought my tie but the not-vet had tied it so tight. Her stock was going way down at this point, not a best friend. This was a thunderstorm to my sunshine.

Finally the blowers stopped. I tried to be brave but I just wanted my people back. Oh how I hoped they would be back soon. I was woe. I was the most fluffy I had ever been, but I was woe. I was radiating golden sunshine fluff like never before, but I was woe. My outside did not match my inside. What sweet relief it was to go back in the metal box that I had been so insulted by just a few hours before!

The rest of the day was a blur. I watched more doggies be escorted to the stations. More naked dogs. I hoped deep down I would get to stat fluffy still but I did not have much hope left. The thunderstorm and had dampened my sunshine. I hate hope.

The not-vet pulled me out of my metal box. She tied me to a new post. I had no energy left to fight. She called me a good boy but I did not trust her. She did not deserve any sugars from me. She held my face really tight, and cut the fur from around my face. With each snip, I just knew I was naked. Frigid in the sterile room of this house of horrors. Sunshine being extinguished. Other doggies looked at me from their metal boxes. I searched for a sign of my hideousness in their eyes, but they would not look at me.

When my people walked through the door, it was like as if my sunshine had been re-lit! They are my best friends and they were back! I forgave them for every day in the cone of shame and every car ride! I will never be not a good boy. I will potty outside. I will pick up my toys. I will give extra sugars! They ran to me and I ran faster to them!

I’m not sure why my people paid the not-vet for their services, but I did not care because they were back!!!!! We walked out without looking back. The not-vet can talk to my *butt. (*My extra fluffy but).

Pro tip for my best friends: don’t go to the not-vet. I am so handsome now!! But do not go.  10/10 not recommended.

Just how far I’ll go!

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I’ve been running, towards the edge of the water

Pulled back always by my people, not really knowing why

They wish, I could be their perfect good boy

But I go straight for the water, no matter how hard they try

 

Every splish I could take, every splash I could kick

Every sploosh I could make, every path leads back

To the place I know my inner Lab wants to go

Where I long to be

 

See the line where water waits for me? It calls me

And no one knows, how far I’ll go

If the strain on my leash will release me

One day I’ll know

When my people let go theres just no telling how far I’ll go

 

I know all the people on this dog park seem so happy, in this dog park

Everyone has a good boy

I know every doggy on this dog park is a good boy, in this dog park

So lets throw a water toy

 

I swim with pride, I make them proud

They’re satisfied when I swim so far

But their voice inside sings a different song

What is wrong with them?

 

See the line where my people wait for me? They’re beaming

But my people know, I’m filthy

And it seems like they’re calling out to me, “come splash me”

And so I do

What’s beyond the water, will I cross that line?

 

See the line where the water waited for me? I did it!

And my people know, and my Lab knows

If the floor of the car gets dirty then say it ain’t so

How far I can go!

 

Most Magical Place on Earth

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Best. Friends.

Have you heard about the dog park? Let me tell you about the dog park.

The dog park is where you get to go when the cone of shame is banished and you are not woe anymore.

The dog park is outside. It is outside and there is so much space to run. In all this space, are other dogs. All the butts in the world are in the dog park. So. Many. Best. Friends.

There are two parts to the dog park. One for baby doggos. While I am technically a baby doggo, my people say I am part horse, which means big doggo. Therefore, I qualify to play with all the best friends in the regular part of the park.

First, there is the water station. I must take a sip from each of the water bowls to make sure they are not empty. I also dip my paws in them to cleanse my pads before going any further. Good boys must be presentable for the dog park.

Next, there is a big big big open space to RUN. I can go as fast as I want and as far away from my people as I can. There are no leashes in the dog park. I ran so fast that I fell down, but my best friends ran by me and I caught right back up. I ran so fast that I ran sideways! We are one unit when we run, BUT sometimes I get overwhelmed so I find temporary solace behind my people or under a bench. Its a scary world out there with the big doggos. THEN, I run faster so my best friends don’t ever know I was gone.

NEXT, is the watering hole. Until then, I’d been staring at the edge of the water. Wondering how far I could go. The answer: not very far. But did you know that water is not just for drinking, it is for SPLASHING. I can pounce on the water and I do not sink, I just get more water! I wanted everyone to know about the magic of the water so I made sure to splash as much as possible to share with my best friends and their people.

However, pro tip for my best friends out there: yes, good boys go potty outside. BUT, good boys will be better good boys if they do not go potty right on the edge of the water. I did this, but was not greeted with great praise. If you go potty on the edge of the water, it makes it very difficult for your people to clean up after you. Extra pro tip: do not try to help clean up your potty if you do it in the water. People will stare….respond with splashes and sugars!!

The dog park has skipped the stage of having great potential. The dog park is infinite. Wow just wow, what magic.

Schmidt Happens: Cone of Shame

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Best friends, this was not a good day. I am woe.

I should have seen the signs. First, we went to the vet. The vet is my best friend but they were spending lots of time rubbing my tummy. Then, a present was waiting when my people came home one day. It was the cone. Not a flashlight costume. Not a martini glass costume. Not a satellite dish costume. The cone. The cone is 100% absolutely definitely never ever my best friend.

My people woke me up earlier than usual. I always greet the day with sunshine and kisses, not the other way around. Not only did they wake me up, I was not given any food or cookies. I had no idea of the crooked, woeful business about to take place.

After breakfast, we went for a long walk. My people kept looking at my backside? They let me run and frolic much further away than they would normally let me. They picked me up and cuddled me and gave me all kinds of sugars all over. My people are my best friends, but I was suspicious. My sniffer is a good one, and I smelled something fishy in the midst.

After our long walk, woe was me, we got in the car. Then I knew it was a bad day. The cone was riding shotgun and I was banished to the backseat. My people just looked at me with sad eyes, and giggled at the cone. What betrayal, I had no idea their loyalty was to the cone…

The vet was waiting for me. But what I thought would be sweet relief from the strange was just a deeper dive into a lack of fun times. Woe was me, my people left without saying goodbye. I will forgive them because they’re my best friends. Then, woe was me, the vet put me in a metal box and left without saying goodbye. I will forgive them because they’re my best friends. The vet came back later and gave me a haircut all the way down to my skin. I had no idea of the depth of my fluff. Woe is me, my fluff is now so very disproportionate.

The vet let me out of my metal box and cuddled and carried me to a new room. All I wanted were my people, but clearly that was not an option. I did my best to sit like a good boy, but the vet poked me in my newly naked spot, and then I felt so so sleepy. It was not my normal nap time, but I let it happen because I am a good boy.

 

 

I woke up some time later and woe was me, in the cone. So much woe.