Schmidt Happens: Dinner time – let us pray (for my tummy)

Best friends. Let us pray.

God is great. Dad is good. Let us thank them for this food. Amen. 

Yes, God is great (literally THE GREAT). And yes, Dad is good. And YES, the food is good. BUT, sometimes the food is not so good for the Schmidter (if you catch my drift).

Friends, good boys eat their whole dinner in a timely manner. However, it appears that I was doing too good of a job finishing my dinner. By eating too fast, I was causing my stomach to revolt in the form of the vomit or the mushy poo poos. I poo poo five times a day, so I know about quality and quantity. Anything being expelled off-schedule from either end of a good boy is not a good thing. Not a good thing for said good boy and not a good thing for the Dad that has to clean it up. (*Pro-tip: do not try to clean up the vomit or the poo poo in an effort to appease Dad for your stomach’s transgressions. Your intentions will be appreciated but then your breath will smell…it is not appreciated and is grounds for being quarantined rather than snuggled)

With the purchase of a puzzle bowl, Dad has solved my eager appetite. The eagerness persists, but I must work much harder for the reward of sweet sweet kibble. It is a blessing and a curse.

The puzzle bowl fixed my suffocating stomach. But there was still something wrong each time I poo pooed. As Dad put it, brown garden snake instead of brown python.

But fear not! With the addition of an orange slurry to my dinner time routine, the Schmidter’s intentional track is back in order. PUMPKIN is apparently great for little pups like me to prevent diarrhea, constipation, and improve general quality of poo poo. To clarify, it is only effective in slurry, canned form. Harvesting of pumpkins from the front porches of neighbors will not meet the same end goal.

So, to review: God is great. Dad is good. Let us thank them for this food. Amen. 

 

 

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Good Boys are Kind

 

Good luck pro-fetchers!

The World Series championship game is tonight, and I would like to do my civic best friend duty and offer my advice to the pro-fetchers on the field.

From observing my people’s observance of the television, I understand that the World Series is a tournament of fetch. The master of the ball (wearing one color) throws it at the other team, the master of the stick hits it (wearing a second color), and the pack of fetchers in the first color chase after it madly before the master of the stick can run a whole circle around the field. They take turns and the pack that can run the most circles is the champion of fetch.

Here are 7 tips for the 7 rounds of ball fetching these athletes will participate in:

1. Run straight and fast, snacks can wait.
2. As previously established, additional thrashing of the ball after it is acquired is not necessary. The ball is dead.
3. Hydrate no matter the mess. Clothes will dry (ask my people, I give lots of sugars and they know the process)
4. If you are fetchers, do not drop the ball upon retrieval, throw it to your matching teammate at the top of the circle. This is fetch war.
5. If you are a runner, run faster so it will be your turn to fetch the ball sooner.
6. Listen to your coach, they are the same as Dad.
7. The opposite color team are temporarily enemies, but ultimately they are best friends and comrades in the art of fetch.

In other words, check out this good boy who is a pro-fetcher too! We should be best friends.

 

 

 

 

SPOILER ALERT: Dart is NOT a good boy

Dearest Best Friends.

What I have for you today is a lesson in how NOT to be a good boy.

My people spent all weekend watching the television, and what I witnessed was not my normal letter and number lessons. What I witnessed was an insult to the name of “good boy”.

D’Artagnan the pollywog, referred to as Dart by Dad Dustin, is not a good boy. Below you will find a list of crimes committed by the accused:

Good boys do not dig through the trash. It is not congruent with a healthy diet.

Good boys do not flee from their people when they are trying to share with other people. If they are a friend of Dad they are a friend of you.

Good boys do not break out of their boxes. Boxes cost Dads money. Do not be a financial burden to Dads.

Good boys DO NOT EAT OTHER GOOD BOYS (regardless of variety of best friend).

Good boys do not let growing pains manifest as aggression TOWARDS DADS.

Good boys do not listen to other people over Dads, especially otherworldly shadow monsters Dads are good and almighty.

Above all else: Good boys do not lead packs of other not good boys in murderous rampages.

Be an example.

xx All my loyalty, Good Boy Schmidt.

Thank you to my *sponsor!

Best friends!

I am SO flattered! J. Crew Factory doesn’t know it but they have gone and made a whole line of clothes inspired by two of everyone’s favorite things: Our country….and my face. My face! On clothes! J. Crew may not know it, but they are my new best friends.

First, the Patriotic Puppy Baseball Hat as pictured above. Sadly, it is now sold out.

BUT FEAR NOT:

The Dads of the world can be in the Schmidt fan club with these pajamas choices with my face on it:

To the lady best friends of the world: sadly J. Crew Factory has not incorporated my face onto anything specifically for you. My follow up advice would be to come to the source and cuddle me directly. I understand that that may not feasible to my vast audience of best friends of the world, so here is a close second choice of Schmidt-themed snuggling attire from the Crop Stop:

Happy snuggling! XOXO…your best friend Schmidt.

 

Schmidt Happens: My Day Diary

Still dark AM – Begin to stir, anticipation is building for the great potential of the day.

6:00 AM – Dad’s alarm goes off. Timing is crucial in our morning routine. Provide morning sugars precisely in the middle of his face so that he knows I am still alive and well. **Good boys especially give sugars in the eyes, ears, nose, and mouth (It is essential so Dad will have a good day). My favorite time!

6:15 AM – Dad arises under my careful supervision and pats me on my head. I am on standby for supplemental sugars. My favorite time!

6:20 AM – Dad takes me outside for my morning potty. My favorite time!

6:25 AM – Its dad’s turn for a morning potty. I sit on his feet to keep him warm, and am on standby in case he needs me. My favorite time!

6:30 AM – Dad gives me breakfast! My favorite thing! I am then on standby while Dad gets ready for the day. Also my favorite time!

6:55 AM – Dad rubs and pets me. My favorite time!

7:00 AM – I go in the metal box, Dad turns on cartoons so I can learn my letters and numbers, and Dad leaves. Not my favorite time.

7:15 AM – As I begin to feel sleepy from my tummy full of food, I smell the snacks that Dad dropped into my box for me before he left. I scarf one up and save the other two for later. My favorite time!

Sometime later PM – I hear the door open and its DAD! Dad is home! Dad lets me out and we take turns going potty and I get rubbed and petted and we romp. My favorite time!

Too short of a time later PM – Dad puts me back in the box and leaves again. I find one of my stored snacks to console my aching heart. Not my favorite time.

5:00 PM – Dad is HOME for good! My favorite time!

5:05 PM – Dad takes me outside to potty and stretch my legs. My favorite time!

5:15 PM – Dad makes a snack and I wait on standby outside the perimeter of the kitchen like a good boy. My favorite time!

5:30 PM – Dad lays down on the couch to rest and pats my head. I provide regenerative sugars to face, hands, and toes. I chew on a non-noise making toy so as not to be disruptive and wait patiently for him to arise. My favorite time!

6:00 PM – Dad takes me outside to PLAY! I fetch and sit and jump and romp and roll. My FAVORITE time!

6:30 PM – We go inside and Dad gives me dinner. My favorite time!

Also at 6:30 – Dad prepares his own dinner. I finish my kibble and wait on standby outside the perimeter of the kitchen like a good boy, in case he needs me. My favorite time!

7:00 PM – Dad eats dinner. I sit on his feet to keep them warm and continue regenerative sugars, on standby in case he needs me. **Good boys do not beg for their people to share their food with them. Good boys know about boundaries. My favorite time!

7:30 PM – Dad takes me back outside to WALK. My favorite time!

8:30 PM – Dad takes a rain bath in the big puddle in the bathroom. I provide supplemental sugars to wherever I can reach to speed the cleaning process and ensure quality control, while keeping a watchful eye in case he needs me. My favorite time!

9:00 PM – Dad gets in bed and watches television. **Good boys are not allowed on the hooman bed unless invited. I wait in my own bed on standby in case he needs me. My favorite time!

9:30 PM – Dad takes me outside for one last potty of the day. My favorite time!

10:00 PM – It is bedtime for everyone. I can’t wait to see Dad in the morning!

 

 

 

How to: Fetch like a good boy

Best friends!

The ground is getting cooler, and we have been going to the dog park less and less, BUT there is still time to add some good boy skills to your book. Specifically, how to bring toys back to your people when they throw them!

My people call it “fetch.” At first, this was a strange concept to me because upon request I would sit like a good boy, which is typically responded to with great praise. Instead, I would sit like a good boy and they would throw a ball far far away and point at it with great exclaim. They threw it, and they were doing a great job showing me what direction it went! I even ran all the way to the ball to show them where it went, but they didn’t move. I finally brought the ball back to them and dropped it at their feet, and they threw it away again! What a strange game. Each time I brought it back, I was told how much of a good boy I was. What a strange concept? However, the praises of “good boy” status much outweigh the strangeness of their aversion to the ball.

THEN, the ball must have been dirty because they started throwing it into the water. Thankfully it floated! Then it really would have been lost! I was a good boy good sport and brought that one back too, and received much praise. I should have seen it coming, they threw the ball back in the water! I “fetched” again and again. We did this for a long time, with me swimming a little further each time. By the end, it was a very clean ball!

 

If you think you might want to be a good boy good fetcher, here are some quick tips:

Upon retrieval of ball to be fetched, it is already dead. Additional thrashing and killing is not necessary. Drop the ball and sit by your people like a good boy.

Good boys do not make their people chase them for the fetched toys. As aforementioned, it is already dead…sitting and dropping said toy will suffice.

Good boys do not run to the thrown toy and run back without it. Your people will giggle, but the “good boy” praise will not be as great. You will see the dissatisfaction in their eyes and it will pain your heart, only to be remedied with the successful fetching of the ball.

Good boys do not bark at their people while waiting for them throw the ball again. If you need this tip, you are probably enjoying this new game. Good boys are patient. Good boys let the anticipation build.

Good boys swim with great enthusiasm and focus. Good boys keep their eyes on the prize and paddle with pride back to their people with their fetched prize.

And finally….If you must potty mid-fetch, be sure to keep the toy with you. Otherwise your people will take it from you and throw it while you’re potty-ing, which is distracting to both activities.

Most Magical Place on Earth

Best. Friends.

Have you heard about the dog park? Let me tell you about the dog park.

The dog park is where you get to go when the cone of shame is banished and you are not woe anymore.

The dog park is outside. It is outside and there is so much space to run. In all this space, are other dogs. All the butts in the world are in the dog park. So. Many. Best. Friends.

There are two parts to the dog park. One for baby doggos. While I am technically a baby doggo, my people say I am part horse, which means big doggo. Therefore, I qualify to play with all the best friends in the regular part of the park.

First, there is the water station. I must take a sip from each of the water bowls to make sure they are not empty. I also dip my paws in them to cleanse my pads before going any further. Good boys must be presentable for the dog park.

Next, there is a big big big open space to RUN. I can go as fast as I want and as far away from my people as I can. There are no leashes in the dog park. I ran so fast that I fell down, but my best friends ran by me and I caught right back up. I ran so fast that I ran sideways! We are one unit when we run, BUT sometimes I get overwhelmed so I find temporary solace behind my people or under a bench. Its a scary world out there with the big doggos. THEN, I run faster so my best friends don’t ever know I was gone.

NEXT, is the watering hole. Until then, I’d been staring at the edge of the water. Wondering how far I could go. The answer: not very far. But did you know that water is not just for drinking, it is for SPLASHING. I can pounce on the water and I do not sink, I just get more water! I wanted everyone to know about the magic of the water so I made sure to splash as much as possible to share with my best friends and their people.

However, pro tip for my best friends out there: yes, good boys go potty outside. BUT, good boys will be better good boys if they do not go potty right on the edge of the water. I did this, but was not greeted with great praise. If you go potty on the edge of the water, it makes it very difficult for your people to clean up after you. Extra pro tip: do not try to help clean up your potty if you do it in the water. People will stare….respond with splashes and sugars!!

The dog park has skipped the stage of having great potential. The dog park is infinite. Wow just wow, what magic.

How to: Be a Good Boy in Training

Hi best friends!

I am learning so many good boy manners, let me share some with you so can be good boys too!

My people call it, “Sit” (you  may remember that I used to just give kisses when they asked me to do this). First, hold a cookie high above my head where I can see it. Then say, “sit.” I may jump for it, but soon the excitement will take over and my butt will meet the floor like a good boy.

My people call it, “Lay down” (an appropriate follow up from “sit”). First, tell me to sit. Then, hold the cookie directly in front of my face so that I can see it. Then, put the cookie onto the floor but don’t let me have it yet. Finally, keep showing me the cookie on the floor and drag it away until my front feet follow it and I lay down like a good boy.

It is not a good boy thing to do to go potty in the house. Good boys must go potty outside. When I feel the urge, I must walk around anxiously and wait by the door. Lack of communication that potties are about to happen results in stern words from my people. However, an exception to the inside-potty punishment was made when the loud dirt sucker machine scared me so much that I had no defense but to go both kinds of potties on the floor. There is much praise and joy when I go potty outside like a good boy.

Finally, I’m learning that the great big box I have to go in when my people leave is not such a bad place to be. You may remember that it is almost worse than the car. But now, it has great potential! My people leave me cookies and I always know that they will come home. The box is not forever and it is not a punishment! There is great praise when I sit down in it like a good boy.

For best results, end all good boy sessions with exuberant “Good boy!” shouts.

Schmidt Happens: First firsts

New best friends!

What. a. week. My schnauze has been EVERYWHERE.

My people took me on walks and to meet new people and put me in a big deep puddle of water and in the car and also in a box. I’m not sure I like the car or the box, but the rest have great potential!

First, I’ve met lots of neighbors. They’re my new best friends. They pet me and kiss me and I give them sugars back. My people tie a rope to my neck and we go walking everywhere. If I got too fast it keeps me from getting separated from our pack. Its a little annoying though, so if in doubt I floss my toofers with it and its a little victory for me.

Then, we went in the car. I do not like the car. It is not my best friend. My tummy always gets upset and then my people aren’t happy. I try to clean up the sick myself and give my people kisses to say sorry but they don’t seem to appreciate the effort very much.

But, when we get out of the car there are always new best friends! We went to a building that smelled like so many butts. I was not sure how I felt about it at first, but then it was amazing. My people call it “the vet”. The vet was nice. They gave me treats and rubbed me all over, with more treats! They called me a good boy the whole time, and all I had to do was let them pet me! The floor was slippery so I got to be carried and cuddled. The vet carried me away and poked me in the butt and also poked me with some sharp things. I did not like that, but I got more treats and kisses after. Therefore, the vet is my new best friend!

Almost worst than the car, is the box. When I wake up I am ready to play and give my people kisses. But, sadly, they leave me just when its getting good. They make me go in the box and I only have a few cookies to make last until they come back. I can see my house, but I can’t get to it. There are so many things to smell and explore, but I think thats why I have to go in the box. I watch cartoons all day and it teaches me my letters and numbers. But, my people, they always come back, with more cookies! I love waking up from a nap because they are letting me out of my box. They tell me I’m a good boy every time! They are my best friends.

Finally, we finished the week with a dip in the great big puddle in the bathroom. I’m not allowed to drink the toilet water, but they filled up the bigger bowl with water and put me in it! They shampooed me and washed all my nooks and crannies. I didn’t know I was so skinny! Then, they drained all the water and wrapped me up in a great big blanket. Something about being so fresh and clean made feel like such a good boy. Thank you best friends!